CTR LEGACY THREAD

[thelastbaron]

The heart content in sharing its despair/

A glow, allure, the mind is caught, bemused/

Shadow engulfs, engendered by the glare/

As time ג€“ detached, aloof, alone - accrues

Slumber beseeches bones for warming rest/

Progress affirmed, repose denied reprieve/

Absolution dependent on the quest/

Conduct, contrive, convey, coerce, achieve/

Will shimmer, will glimmer, will project depth/

So cool, so calm, will soothe the wounds perhaps/

Bottom observed, unblurred, with heavy breath/

Upon the dive receive a neck collapsed/

Dismay subverting actuality/

With me to grave you will accompany

My skin will become porous soon/

By acid rain of afternoon/

And through the holes will pour my blood/

Into the dirt and mix with mud/

Where thick and tender it will lie/

'Til treaded on by passerby/

And carried off to foreign ground/

In once strange lands a home is found/

And soon new life will spring from me/

As sunlight becomes family/

Unbeknownst to random hosts/

Sometimes a free ride matters most

I guess the main I thing I wanted to ask was if they came across as too abstract/obtuse or if some of the meaning/theme could be garnered. It's difficult to distance myself from them as I know what I was going for, so I thought it would be helpful to post them here and get some perspective. Any crits would be welcome, thanks.

[Comedy Quaddafi]

At first I thought it was too "wordy" but that feeling disappered quickly. I'm not sure what they're "about" but I could probably figure it out given some time.

What kinda class makes you write sonnets`?

[thelastbaron]

I'm a creative writing major, the teacher I am taking now is into Shakespeare/playwriting so we have to write some sonnets in different forms. The first is suppose to be in iambic pentameter (stressed syllable then unstressed all the way through, 10 syllables each line, ABAB rhyme scheme for first 12 bars, then a couplet to end it). I gave up on the stressed/unstressed halfway through though, way too hard.

The next one was actually for a different class about technology shifts, we had to write a poem on our cellphone, no real guidelines. Figured I'd throw it up here and see what some of you guys thought.

First one took me 2+ hours, second one 20-30 minutes. I don't know if you've ever tried writing something on your cell before, but it's a totally different experience. Writing by hand or on a computer you have to give your full attention to it pretty much, but with a cell (especially if you are a skilled texter) you don't have to devote that much brainspace to it and can write something while driving, walking etc. It can change the whole tone of a piece because you are in a different place mentally. It was a pretty cool experiment.

[Aethetical-Hades]

Not bad at all. Personally, I prefer the tone of Petrarchan sonnets over Shakespearean, but to each his own.

Try the ABBA scheme next time. Play with various rhyme schemes and see how that'll work out for you.

[thelastbaron]

^ I have to write a Petrarchan for next week. First time I've ever done this sort of thing, but I kind of dig it. I thought having an organized form would be suffocating, but it is actually the opposite. I think having structure helps my thoughts flow more fluidly. I recommend anyone who hasn't really tried it before to give it a shot, you may be surprised at the results. I will definitely play around with some other rhyme schemes.

[Comedy Quaddafi]

Cool entries from two of the better guys here. I'd like a new topic or something don't have much to say about this one. Where you at Ric?

[JaH BLaZe]

ok. second topic. here it go.

growing up

[Radio Raheem]

Alright I'm 27 now, and just glad that people listening
In fact, I'm kinda happy that it took a quarter century
Still blistering from memories that haven't faded yet
Those days are etched in my bones, don't think I'll ever forget
Your "5 minutes to live", was my lifetime to die
It must've been the colors and kids that were keeping me alive
I kept a handle on my vices so each day looks the same
Looking like the perfect mantle for your boy to place his blame
Next to prednisone and lexapro, whiskey neat, hold the coke
I really don't drink sodas yo, but do enjoy a pack of smokes
I'm not the one you wanna quote, never know what I might say
Tell everyone a different tale, y'all know I'm lying anyway
Cheating at these games we play, ignoring beef and making hay
I'll settle in, enjoy these days, it finally feels okay to say...

[Comedy Quaddafi]

I've got growing pains, scars show in a total frame
how i slapboxed with broken hands and cold flames
look at my arms, slashmarks from angry fangs
planted like appleseeds that grow from branch to branch
warmth from burning tires in the wastelands
shooked off with closed hands given half the chance
daydreams and fantasies, vacant stare entranced
catch a spark or flame, like a bat when a baseballer throw
knew i wouldn't like the truth, but i had to know
i never liked anyone of you and it had to show
so when they opened the door i would be glad to go
tears don't trinkle from cheeks cuz i'm too cold
licking my fingers from weed with crystals like a sprucecone
been too wrong since i left the group-home to a new home
therapist said "leave booze alone," but who coulda known
that i would visit my own tomb-stone, mind full-blown
not fully grown, looking at my mom standing erratic being hurt
after they sink the casket and throw some dirt
chant some prayers and prepare for rebirth

[Stoop Kid]

[dubs]

Yo.. uh ... UH... yoyo check it ...UH...

Back once again like i never left before
Dubs typing crack hit you wit a fresh four
All your lyrics wack and sure to bore
Minez leave everybody always wantin MOAR!

*brushes the dirt off shoulder*

[YOUNGMOE]

Too late now we lost it, built lakes out of faucets
Gave shape to our fears so they affected our causes/
Argue over all but never for fight for each other
So now our bed is just a place to lay our heads and recover/
And would love a peaceful moment but avoid em at points
cus silence suggests weג€™re almost near our boiling point/
now the sex is all thatג€™s left, and though it still gratifies
without the love attached we never feel satisfied/
rely purely on the physical feeling
while I focus on the bed and you stare at the ceiling/
left with my thoughts as you soak in the bath tub
asleep when you return so nothing gets patched up/
reluctantly backs touch,
when not under covers wrapped up
wrapped up in our past, intent on making it last, like we ainג€™t had nuff/

[Mercuthio]

now the sex is all thatג€™s left, and though it still gratifies
without the love attached we never feel satisfied/
rely purely on the physical feeling
while I focus on the bed and you stare at the ceiling/
left with my thoughts as you soak in the bath tub
asleep when you return so nothing gets patched up/

good stuff.

[Comedy Quaddafi]

Yeah I usually like what I've heard from you and this is good too. You're better at rapping/writing than the internet doe.

[Comedy Quaddafi]

^yes. it's dope how you usually break a lot of conventions of rapping poetry but still remain very readable and overtly experimental and corny.

[Comedy Quaddafi]

didn't like my latest entry so i rewrote it with the same beginning in my own scatterbrained style. it's 2:30 and i'm kinda high.

i got growing pains so scars show in total frame
from slapboxing with broken hands, hot ice and cold flames
look at my arms, slashmarks from angry fangs
that grow like appleseeds from branch to branch
daydreaming while sitting with a vacant stare entranced
pontificating on whether fate is pre-planned or by chance
matrix secret agent smith, break bones like paperclips
they can't read my thoughts so their hate turns adrift
bear no grudge because even god forgives atheists
first my words curtain clouds and make eclipse
brain half-baked from database blimps in microchips
hardwired with penicillin-shots and bible-scripts
hard to decipher like hieroglyphics in cairo's crypts
i used to read them but now i just eat books
chewing the pages and cleaining my teeth with meathooks
talk heavy metal for so long i got rust under my tongue
busting a lung from smoking a cold bowl of scum
slaying dragons with their throats under my feet like st. john
trusting no one when moongods pray to the men behind the sun
we start from the beginning but the end has just begun
scud-missiles get blown within the vicinity shown
for trying to sell me glass-crystals and similie-stones
you was waving your thin wallets and gypsy-pickpockets
dumb tourists getting their arm ripped off their wrist-watches
they alwayc act like clowns and the kids seem to love it
then turn around, walk away and think nothing of it
the ball or the sword, each child must choose
it's hard to understand like prostitutes from private schools
getting drilled like horseshoes by high-priced powertools
bloodbath on the canvas, crimson letters spell trouble
got crushed glass in bandages around my knuckles
use it to crash your eggshell frame in half, full throttle
if my glass is half-full that means i need a new bottle
you can walk through my mind so you can follow the truth
but talk to me unkind and swallow your tooth
tomorrow regroups stuck in the same hollow loop
forgive them not, for' they know what they do
they dragged my name through the mud and spat on it too
fabricating rumors, only half of them true
the masked assassin laughs after it's through
prince of the city, raise my hands, a champ, rocky
took the whole building hostage once i entered the lobby
shot a slug in the chandelier and yelled 'this is a robbery'
you might think that i'm chilling but i wanna murder somebody (quote - Jacka)
dump a can of gas, strike a match and then burn your whole body
penance is the deliverance of your death-sentence
heat the engine, turn the chapter, next entrance...

[YOUNGMOE]

Yeah I usually like what I've heard from you and this is good too. You're better at rapping/writing than the internet doe.

i'll take that

[Mercuthio]

Poem No. 1: Instantaneous Transformation

The leg
Lies behind the vehicle
With the stocking
Rolled down around the ankle

I used to do that too
When I was younger
Like a soccer player
Breaking the rules

What were his thoughts
This morning
As he was rolling down
His sock?

Breakfast in the mess hall
Laughs among mates
Preliminary prolusion
To an uncertain task
A purposeful preparation
Of fabricated certitude

Check and test
Check and test
Check and test
To construct your calm
And cheat your deep-seated
Dubiety
Into accepting an ambiguous
Assertion
That everything
Will be alright

Then as strings
Of armored serpents
Slither
From their hideouts
In the dirt
Each pawn
Rests on pins
With a hardened face
And a heart of fear

The blink of an eye
Divides the two

A snap of the fingers
Separates
Spirit
From matter
The push of a button
Sends an electrical current
Through wires
And shatters
The flimsy hopes upheld
Deflates
The rotten buoys
That kept you afloat

I awoke from sleeping
While wide awake

Instantaneous transformation links
Spheres superficially
Appearing separate
Pulling the rug
Out from under
Life
As it plummets into
Death
The spark
Contained within is
Ripped out
As matter is
Blown apart

The picturesque fantasy
Lifts with the fog
Swept off
By the wind of a voice
That cries:
Contact!

Muscle and bone
Burned lumps of flesh
Teeth and hairy pieces of scalp
Grayed with soot and sand

Strings of intestines
Decorate seats
Scrambled eggs half-consumed
Spread from a blown-open belly

Scattered pieces
Of a corporal puzzle
With the will
To connect them
Gone forever

50 degrees Celsius
In the shade
And my sweat runs cold
In the sun

[Mercuthio]

Poem No. 2: Sloth (aka Man Wasnג€™t Meant To Lie On A Couch)

The opaque obtuseness
Of an existence
Flooded
By the ceaseless waves
Of enervating wealth

These preponderant pleasures
Produce a lackadaisical sap
Who languishes in his lethargic stupor
Neck-deep in delectation
Permanently preoccupied
With maintaining
His hebetudinous satiation

[Mercuthio]

Poem No. 3: Why Run?

The most prevalent
Pertinacious pretention
That pervades the paths
And patterns of people
Is the primary importance
Of consistent progression
Upheld as the unquestionable code
For realization of essence

Avoid introspection
And ignore intuition
Fasten your focus
On fulfillment of fate
Through a continual emphasis
On movement and motion

To decrease acceleration
And contemplate the excessive pacing
Seems perceived as an enfeeblement
A sign of weakness and enervation

Imperceptible instinct
A voice whispering
Wordless vows
Vanishing
Strangled
Slaughtered
By the relentless roar
Of your monkey mind
The restless racket
Of a screaming ego:

Push Forever Forward!

Frantically fumbling fidgeting feet
Chase the ever-changing
Craving and needs
Stumble and trip
But keep stressing along
Never question the race
Or the values itג€™s based upon

[Mercuthio]

Poem No. 4: Inside Looking Out

Peering through blinds
Onto dark streets
All empty
People have vanished into shells
Closed off
Previously energetic and aggressively active
Filled with purpose
Bursting with plans
Contrived thought schemes
Clutching the elusive hope
Maintain your desperate disappearing dream
Float to another world
Paralyzed in front of a TV-screen

[Stoop Kid]

I once came
(no gloss)
upon a thread
full of poems
I read two lines
hit page down
and posted
this reply

[dubs]

Peep game Im bout to drop heat on you lames
Cuz your keystyles wack, you all type the same
Its a shame, the way i freestyles insane
In the brain, and crazy like train.

[dubs]

Im not the mad rapper i just get annoyed quick
Tryin not to kill you thinking how can i avoid it.
Leave you raging mad on some roid shit
Rhyme(meat)wise its playtime and boy you gettin toyed wit'

[dubs]

Im inna good mood, ya better not spoil it
Take your shitty rhymes and throw em in the toilet
Its all a bunch of faggotry like 2 gay dudes
React savagely for step on my blue suede shoes

[dubs]

sleeps the cousin of death, and you stay on snooze
when you're drunk you bi-curious, gay on booze
You's some weirdos and queer hos, this is sincere flow
Im shittin all over you, at least it appears so.

[dubs]

Go back and check the last page cuz i ripped it somethin serious
Writin so many rhymes i think im bout to go delerious
Tired of all yall poser's n ho's im like a dozer with flows
Might mess wit the doja but no coke in the nose.

[Texas Raised Mikey]

I'm funny when I'm drunk but sometimes I get rude.
I use the two second rule to see if a bitch is prude.
I'm always coming up like a barrel of crude.
I bust nuts on hoes that are flaky like fish food.

[Mercuthio]

[Comedy Quaddafi]

A bit wordy for my liking. If I try to write a poem and it comes up like that it's usually because I don't have that much to say. You master the language well but I would like it to be more personal and not a detached existentialistic maze of whims. When it's good it's sort of Sylvia Plath, can't stand that woman